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The following workshop was presented by Ashley Evans Boone and Kari Stainback at the 2009 All About Influence Women’s Leadership conference at Dallas Theological Seminary
PART 1: PURPOSE OF THIS WORKSHOP – WHY TALK ABOUT THIS?
Our calling in the church (Kari Stainback)
Today’s workshop is about how we can reach those women between their 20’s and 30’s in our churches and how do we bridge the gap to the older women in our churches so we might disciple, mentor them effectively to maturity, and be in community together? Why? Times may be changing, and they are…but the timeless truths in scripture do not. One of those is the principle of younger women being guided by godly older women in the church as to how to lead godly lives. In the church this has been called the “Titus 2” principle.
Titus is one of the pastoral epistles written by Paul. In them, Paul deals with Practical Theology, the pastoral care and leadership of the church. The “Titus 2 Principle” is Paul’s instructions for making grace ripple through the church community and it teaches the church how to live out their faith in such a way that a lost and dying world sees the reality of Christ. While “Women’s Ministries” is not explicitly in scripture, there is this timeless truth, here in God’s Word that there needs to be some sort of system to connect young women to older, wiser women in the Faith for the purpose of maturing them in Christ.
Another timeless truth in scripture is that we must have a balanced blend of sound doctrine taught in the context of Christ-centered relationships. If we get out of balance on the side of being too relational, we magnify the relationship over God’s character and glory. If we get out of balance on the side of being too heavy doctrinally, we elevate knowledge and perhaps become prideful without living out the scriptures.
Titus 2:3-5 says,
3Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
You certainly can unpack the details of this passage later, but you can quickly see that Paul is asking these women to learn to watch their tongue, be self-controlled, to do good, to love their husbands and then their children, to be productive in their normal occupations as a wife each day. So the point here, again, is that through the behavior of the young women in the church, the Word of God gains credibility to the unbelieving world. Our churches must follow this same principle today. Sometimes this happens through one on one mentoring and sometimes through building community across the generations. By living out this Titus 2 principle, we are more well rounded in the way we live out our faith, we appreciate how God has shaped and gifted each unique woman and we all reflect God’s image better. And oftentimes, there is “more caught than taught” by the teacher of a class or study as we interact with each other in groups
For our purposes today, we are trying to find ways for the “Established Generation,” the women who are established in the church and mature in Christ, mostly Baby Boomers, to disciple and mentor the “Emerging Generation” of young women coming up in the church today.
Obstacles to carrying out this calling (Ashley Boone)
So really, this really is a no brainer. Women love to spend time together and learn from one another. And we love getting to know women from different generations. However, there are two major obstacles in connecting generations. And it is these two obstacles that hinder the church from doing an effective job of reaching the younger generations and bringing them all together in community.
1. The first obstacle is generational differences, meaning….there are differences between the generations. Every generation has a unique personality and character which shapes their interests and how they relate with others. So when different generations have to work together or be in community together, there are often “collisions” such as mis-perceptions and poor communication, and these result in a lack of connection and understanding between generations. Unfortunately the fact that every generation is different is not an obstacle we can change, however the next one is.
2. The second obstacle is our response to generational differences. There are two extreme responses that represent how we often respond to generational differences which will keep the church from making any progress in reaching out to the younger generation.
Over exaggeration of differences – The first response is over exaggerating the differences between the generations. This means constantly pointing out all the differences between the generations. When we do this we begin to see one of the generations as wrong and will inevitably decide that one generation has a major problem while the other has it all figured out. When we do this we begin to see the “wrong” generation as a threat and so we act in a way as to hinder them from doing something we strongly disagree with. This elicits feelings of competition and division. The “wrong” generation is left feeling uncared for, misunderstood, and judged by the other, further creating negative attitudes between the generations. Often ministry teams will be formed composed of just the generation we see as “right” and ministry then becomes lopsided and ineffective in reaching and ministering to the generation that has been left out. Eventually that generation will go seeking a church or ministry that will listen to them and meet them where they are at.
We see this in two ways in the church today. There are congregations composed mostly of the older, established, generation who believe they do church right and that the younger generations don’t understand church and what God meant for it to be. So they don’t ever listen to the younger generation or try anything new, they just think the younger generations need to submit and conform to how they do church. On the other hand, many congregations today are dominated by the younger generation who believe the older generation missed the boat and doesn’t really get it. So they do it their way and tell the older people to get on board or find a new church.
Total denial of differences or ignoring them – The second response is to completely ignore that generations are different and down play any differences people may point out. Then these ministries continue to do things as they have always been done or the try new things without ever taking into account the generation trying to be reached and what they may like or respond best to. In doing this we completely ignore a scientific fact, that generations have differences!
I was in a meeting this past year when a couple of woman in the established generation talked about how frustrated they were that young women acted like they were so different from them. They said that when they spent time getting to know young women they found lots of similarities. But at the same time they voiced their frustrations over all the hard work they had done to do events for young women, but the young women never came or seemed to appreciate any of it. The funny thing was they had answered their dilemma in almost the same breath. If they had recognized that there are indeed differences between generations and then stopped to find out what it is the younger generation would be attracted to, then the outcome of their hard work would have been very different.
Our higher calling (Ashley Boone)
This leads us to one of the most important concepts that we must grasp in the church when it comes to understanding generational differences. Fields such as business and politics have sought to understand generational differences in order to make a better profit or be better prepared for what the future might hold for their own success and progress. But in the church, our goal is higher and much more important. We focus on generational differences in order to love one another better, invite young women into a bigger community, to tell women about the Gospel and help them grow in their faith.
So our workshop today is not about making you sound really smart to others when you talk about generational differences, but instead to help the church have a further and more effective reach.
PART 2: Understanding generations – WHO ARE THEY?
The Established Generation (Kari Stainback)
The established generation composes the largest generation and are known by most as the Baby Boomers, born between 1946 and 1964. They have a great sense of accomplishment because they were the generation who changed every market they ever entered, from the supermarket, to the job market, to the stock market. They were influenced by people such as Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Rosa Parks, Richard Nixon, Beaver and Wally Cleaver, the Osmond family, Gloria Steinem, Barbara Streisand, John Belushi, Janis Joplin, Captain Kangaroo, Captain Kirk, the Monkees, the Beatles, the Partridge family and the Stones. Significant places of their time were Watergate, Hanoi Hilton, Chappequiddick, Kent State, Woodstock, all kinds of sit-ins, and of course, Laugh-In. The established generation was shaped by the exploding availability and consumerism which surfaced in their times and styles such as bell bottoms, mood rings, Rolex watches, junk food and of course, junk bonds. And of course the greatest invention of their childhood was the television.
The key word of this generation is Optimism. They believed anything was possible! This generation started the ball rolling in “self-discovery,” something their post World War II parents never took time to consider. They were very competitive because sheer numbers caused them to have to fight for positions in colleges and in the workplace. There is a deep sense of duty in this generation making them very reliable and dependable. They have a high respect for structure, rules and authority and love doing things in large group which stemmed from things such as protests of Vietnam and most recently Tea Parties regarding the economy. This is also why the established generation loves seminars, conferences, and large venues of teaching. When the Boomers hear of a problem in the church, often times the answer is more teaching, more content, plan a program, or have a retreat. While Boomers started individualism, the next generation perfected the art. Because of advances in technology the established generation has watched the Emerging Generation be shaped by it and there is an even greater divide between those generations causing the older generation to feel they are constantly playing catch up.
The Emerging Generation (Ashley Boone)
In 2006 a thirty-something year old professor of psychology at San Diego State, Jean Twenge, published a book that quickly became the most well researched and accurate book of our time about the emerging generation. While I thought I already had a pretty good feel for my generation, I grabbed this book to put words to what I felt, and with every page all I could say was, “She is describing me and I never knew it was more about my generation than my personality!” So much of what I will be sharing will be coming from her book combined with my full approval.
Many titles have been given to this up-and-coming generation….Gen X, Gen Y, Millenials, Generation Me, iGen…but the best definition that Kari have encountered is “The Emerging Generation.” This encapsulates the idea that a generation is not just about the people, but also about the times and culture and the ideals that are being brought to the forefront of that time. This generation spans a broad range, late 30’s all the way down to teens and children. Of course for our purposes we are talking specifically about women in their 20’s and 30’s. But much of what I share will be found in stronger concentrations in the younger end of this generation. So while much of this describes me as a 32 year old, I would venture to say that you will find this to be even more true for women in their early 20’s.
Twenge makes a statement early on that lays the foundation for understanding why the emerging generation is they way they are.
“Many…studies find that when you were born has more influence on your personality than the family who raised you.”
So along those lines, in order to understand this generation we must understand the world they were raised in which was created by the boomers. As Kari said, this was a time when people were beginning to focus more and more on self. Children were constantly told they were special and that they could do and be anything they wanted. Follow your dreams and pursue happiness! We were also taught to be an individual and don’t be held back by rules, expectations, or the way things used to be. Don’t let anyone bring you down, it’s wrong to criticize others and if someone says something bad about you don’t believe it. Don’t hold back and don’t hold anything in, be honest even if it hurts someone. It is good to express how you feel. We were taught that we must love ourselves first in order to love anyone else. And of course we were raised being told all people are equal and to believe otherwise is small minded and ignorant. We should tolerate and accept all people.
So upon these ideals our little personalities were formed and you can only imagine what that looks like today! To help you see how it shaped us and what we look like I am going to give you a very brief look at five of the primary characteristics of our generation.
Individualism – Being an individual is not a process of self discovery that we go on at some point in our lives, but instead it is ingrained in who we are, it is our way of life, we see it as our right. This is why we get bored with empowerment, introspection, and self-analysis because we have been doing it all our lives. We are independent human beings and we strive daily to be true to who we are and express that clearly, we take pride in our independence. This is why we would never put duty before self and might be seen as being non-committal.
Entitlement – This description is probably the most prevalent description of our generation. As children we were told we are special and we can do anything and have anything we want, and we believed it to a fault. We have high expectations and big dreams for what the future will hold and we rarely consider we won’t achieve or receive what we dream of. Often these dreams include making a difference in the world today. We also expect to get a great education, land fun careers, climb the ladder quick, have a thriving dating life and get married to the love of our lives when we choose, to make great incomes and own lots of nice things, and basically, to live a very happy and fulfilled life. Anyone who tries to tell us our dreams are too big, or tries to get in the way or hold us back, is a “bad guy” and just wrong.
Authenticity – The emerging generation believes strongly that there is no use in hiding behind masks or facades, just be yourself, be honest, be real, and be authentic. Don’t ever hold in your feelings and emotions. It is good to confess and air your dirty laundry, don’t hide in dark corners afraid of what others will think or be ashamed of something you’ve done. It is better to talk about life and hope that it will help you and help those who hear it. There are no taboo topics, you can talk about anything and everything. Directness is very important, if you have something to say then just say it. Don’t beat around the bush, tell us what we need to hear. This is why reality TV and books have become so prevalent today, we love hearing other’s stories and watching their real lives.
Freedom – Our great sense of freedom is what allows us to express ourselves, be individuals, and dream big. We are free of a sense of obligation, conformity, societal standards, and rules. No longer do we conform to the majority, but instead it’s more admirable to be different. Rules are oppressive and keep us from exercising creativity. Along with a disrespect of rules, comes a disrespect of authority. If someone asks us to do something, it is up to us to decide whether we want to do it or not because we are the authority.You can find a great example of this when you look at the romantic lives of our generation….there are no rules, you are free to do whatever you want, stay single, sleep around, be a virgin, get married, get divorced, live together, be gay, have kids, don’t have kids, there is no set standard anymore.
Distrust – As a generation we have lost trust in people, God, life, the world. We are skeptical and cynical about all things and all people. We expect people to let us down and we see much of life as being the result of chance and luck.When it comes to people positions, titles, and degrees don’t make them trustworthy or right. All we can truly rely on is ourselves. So we test and try to see if something is worth putting our trust in. Because of this our generation has moved away from things that are “big.” If something is too big then you don’t really know if you can trust the leader, the machine, or the others who are there. So we like small, personal, grassroot movements rather than big, impersonal, corporate organizations.
When hearing about another generation our big temptation is to judge and criticize, noting what is wrong with them and how they need to change. While it is obvious that the emerging generation has lots of problems and is struggling in many ways, our purpose here today is to respect who they are and therefore how we can reach them better. It is only when we do this that we will be able to then speak into their lives and be a positive light and influence to that generation. So now let’s talk about how we can actually do this.
PART 3: APPLYING THIS TO THE CHURCH – WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
(Kari Stainback) Our previous pastor, Skip Ryan, once gave a great analogy of what ministry in the church should look like. Just like the model or make of a particular car changes over time, the fuel it runs on does not (of course now with the exception of electric and hybrid cars!). So too, our delivery systems of ministry of older to younger women may change, but our Gospel message, the truths in Scripture do not. We are still to teach the same Gospel message, love sacrificially, and be Christ to “one another” as a means to sanctification and spiritual maturity. When we do this everyone benefits and matures in the process. Then we look up one day and friendships have formed!
What is the emerging generation going to respond best to? (Ashley Boone)
Here’s the part you have all been waiting for. What are young women looking for? What is it about something that interests them and makes them try it out? What are the aspects that we need to be sure we are focusing on as we reach out to young women? I am going to offer you three that I believe are most imperative and that I have been hearing from the young women.
Relational, Relational, Relational
If a young woman attends an event and none of the older women talk to her she will most likely never return. If an event is simply a program with a speaker and no relational aspect she will most likely not even show up. Our generation has been dubbed as non-committal in the church, but it is often a result of who we are as a generation and ministries not recognizing this and meeting us where we are at. I had dinner a couple weeks ago with six different young women between the ages of 22 and 26. Meeting with them in pairs I asked them what the women of our church could do to reach out to them better. What would they be interested in? Without hesitation every single one of them said “relationships.” They are not very interested in speakers or programs, but in knowing the older women in the church and in being known by them. For this generation, the smaller and more personal the gathering the better. Because our generation has been taught that faith is personal, we do not see a need for large impersonal groups in order for our faith to grow, however we do see a need for authentic relationships. While the first need the church should aim to meet for young women is a peer community with other young women their age who they can relate with, young women also desire relationships with women who are older than them. One of the young women I met with said, “I want to know older women and be known by them. Not just in a superficial way, but in a very real and personal way.”
Authenticity & Simplicity
Closely connected to our desire for relationships is the emerging generation’s desire for authenticity. When we talk to other women we desire to see the real person, not a censored version. We want to know their stories. Often we are seeking to learn from the experiences and failures of older women, and a cleaned up, rated G version of life won’t really help us because we know it’s not reality. We want to deal with real issues such as sex, alcohol, depression, divorce, adultery, homosexuality, and so on. With the young women I am working with I always assume they could be struggling with any of these things and it helps me be realistic about her life and the struggles she is facing, to ask probing questions, and speak truth to her exactly where she is at in life. Along the same lines, the emerging generation is very simplistic and direct. We want messages to be given in a very straightforward and genuine way. We don’t want anything that is cheesy or frilly. We want direct, clear, and applicable teaching that we can walk out the door with and apply to our lives.
Vision, Purpose, & Leadership
The emerging generation has great passion and energy, and wants to be part of creating the vision, giving input, dreaming up the structure, and carrying it out. You should see the young adults in your church as a source of ministry ideas, not just a group you are ministering to. Young adults believe anything is possible which is a great asset to the church. We also want to be a part of something that is making a difference with a purpose we believe in. Worship services and church meetings that are focused on self are not attractive. Instead we want to do something that involves serving, helping, and loving others. Lastly, it’s important to have balanced leadership teams. This is the purpose of the Ministry Age test we gave you at the beginning. It explains that each needs the other in order to be balanced, so we must recognize the differences but not exploit them. In women’s ministries this means that if you want younger women at an event/retreat/bible study/etc… then you MUST have younger women in leadership, allowing them to be part of the vision and planning, valuing and implementing the perspective of the emerging generation. And a huge part of this is being willing to do things differently than they have been done in the past and helping your young women in leadership to have the resources they need to carry out their vision. If these aspects are not in your ministry then the young women will give their time to something else.
What does the older need from the younger? (Kari Stainback)
The first, and most obvious thing is to pray! God’s will is that the older and younger women in the church will connect, so ask God to provide that in your church or ministry and then watch for how God will match these things up.
Secondly, show interest in the older women and make the effort to get to know them. They may look busy, but if you want to spend time with them then step out and invite them to coffee, most likely they will make time for you. Godly women know this is part of obedience to Christ and desire to invest in the younger generation. Believe it or not, most of the time the older women don’t feel like they know enough or have much to offer, so showing interest helps that.
Also, seek out ways to communicate with the established generations in your church and women’s ministries to tell them who you are and what your generation really needs in order to be ministered too. Tell us, we really want to know and often need your ideas to help us learn. We would love to have your input on leadership teams and often those teams are made up of empty nesters only because those women are available to lead, not because we want to leave you out on purpose.
Lastly, be respectful of authority and be willing to commit what you have to offer. Don’t run away when a ministry doesn’t suit you perfectly. Show grace to the older generations and seek to work together with them as a team…the body of Christ! In our church we have a young woman who is on a ministry’s board which is composed of all empty nesters except for her. She made her self available, showed interest in knowing the established generation, and when she was asked to come on board not only did she say yes but she also communicated very clearly what she had to offer, which happened to be her skills in technology which the older women lacked.
How is this being done in churches today? (Kari Stainback & Ashley Boone)
There are so many different ways that chuchs and ministries are applying these principals, so here a few that have caught our attention and we think are great examples of how to start reaching out to the younger generation.
Park Cities Presbyterian Church, Dallas: At a gathering we call “The Bridge,” we invite women of all ages to come to a casual dinner and hear the testimony of a woman in the established generation. We meet in homes every 7 weeks and publicize mostly by word of mouth, emails, the web page, and Facebook. At the event we tell the women they are there to get to know women of a different age and stage than themselves and ask them to pair up with someone who fits that description for dinner and get to know eachother over the meal. After the meal we invite everyone into one room to hear the testimony. This has been very successful and is many of the women’s favorite thing they do at our church. We also provide the young women with an all young women Bible study where they can find peer friendships and fellowship along with sound Biblical teaching.
The Village Church, Dallas: Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village, says mentoring should be a balance of intentional/structure with organic/natural. Don’t look for a standardized formula but develop your ministries to young adults based on your demographic, location, culture, etc… It is about “opening our lives to the people we are leading.” The older should use their place and authority to shepherd and love, not try to make the young be who they think they should be. Relationships based on love open doorways to honesty about the more difficult things. He says the church should sell this vision to the older generation and train/equip them to be constantly, naturally, and organically doing this, seeking opportunities to reach out to young adults. (From Leadership Journal, “iGens”, Summer 2009 Vol 3- Num 3, p.31-34)
Park Community Church, Chicago – They have young adults in leadership, equip them and give them what they need, and then let them form and carry out their vision. In other words, they give them permission and freedom to create and then they provide them the resources they need to make it happen. The singles pastor, J.R. Kerr, calls this “open source leadership”. They don’t care about titles and positions, they just want a chance to use their gifts to influence the world. In the young adults ministries where they have done this it has not only worked, but they are thriving and making huge impacts in the city. They market by word of mouth and social networking, not the traditional ways of marketing in the church. (From a personal interview with J.R. Kerr and Leadership Journal, “iGens”, Summer 2009 Vol 3- Num 3)
Lake Pointe Church, Rockwall TX – The women’s director set up group meetings with young women to ask them what they wanted, how the church could reach them, what are their needs? In some of these meetings she invited women from the established generation to come and listen, but not talk! The intention of these meetings was to better equip them to form ministries based on what the young women said.
Willow Creek Community Church, Chicago – In their ministry for young adults they have more than 30 adults who attend the young adults weekly gathering. They have these adults go through a 4 week training time to help them understand the younger generation and to prepare them to lead. They partner some of the younger adults with the mentors. They cultivate a community amongst the staff and leadership that reflects the community and relationships they are leading the young adults to have. So it is about community, not program. They are very honest and direct in their teaching. (Leadership Journal, “iGens”, Summer 2009 Vol 3- Num 3, p. 25-29)
Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, Menlo CA – They have constant conversations with all different generations to see how they feel, if they are feeling connected, and what the church could do to help them connect if they are not. They also do surveys and ask for feedback, and then act on it! The pastor, John Ortberg says, “We can never move to where we want to be without speaking honestly about where we are.” (From Leadership Journal, “iGens”, Summer 2009 Vol 3- Num 3, p.51)
Northwest Bible Church, Dallas – The Women’s Ministries does “connection groups” which are groups of women of all different ages who meet throughout the year to focus on a skill or interest that they have in common. There might be a group that meets to cook, or go to art shows, or even just to meet for lunch once a month. Over this common interest they are able to come together and spend time with women of different ages and stages and learn from one another, building relationships in a very natural way.
Denton Bible Church, Denton TX – Here a young woman could get connected to an older woman and spend a few hours shadowing her at home while she is cooking dinner, bathing the kids, reading and putting them to bed. By doing this the young woman is able to learn simply by being there and experiencing a Christian woman in her home. And during that time they would get to know each other and spend time together building a real relationship. They also have a curriculum for older women to use leading small groups of young women which go through various areas of life as a Christian woman. They teach not only Scripture, but also their own life experiences.
Christ Covenant PCA, NC – They are, “Creating natural opportunities for women to “find one another” relationally. Manufactured relationships rarely last. We’re looking for ways to help women discover women …older and younger … who are “like-minded”. Around interests. Around issues. Around needs. And Encouraging meaningful dialog that leads to understanding. We’re talking a lot about the divide, and the bridge that is desperately needed. We’re giving women language to help them understand one another and we’re working hard to bring clarity to their assumptions and expectations.” Practically, we’ve built a team that represents every season and situation in the lives of our women. We have so grown to enjoy and appreciate one another, and we’ve gained so much from each other’s experience and perspective. We’re prayerful on this team that our relationships are a model for women who are hesitating to make their way across the bridge.” (From pcacep.org by Susan Shepherd)
Irving Bible Church, Dallas – They are currently searching how to develop a better outreach to young women. They are doing this by having lots of meetings and challenging their ministry leaders to 1) communicate with all the women in their sphere of influence the importance and value of informal, life-on-life relationship with younger women. 2) make sure they are investing in a key relationship one step ahead (older) and one step behind (younger) in their own lives so as to model this and share their stores. They have also made some shifts in their Bible study small group placement. Rather than putting multiple generations in each group, they do two decades now, women in their 20’s and 30’s are grouped together and then those in their 50’s and 60’s are together. And they are willing to pilot new ideas to simply see if they work.
Recommended Resources…
Generation Me, Jean Twenge
When Generations Collide, Lancaster & Stillman
That Makes Two of Us, Witt & Workman
Tribes, Seth Godin
Dear Church, Sarah Cunningham
Leadership Journal, “iGens”, Summer 2009 Vol 3- Num 3
